Nip/Tuck

I am suddenly fascinated by bad plastic surgery. Sort of. And perhaps only fleetingly.

But there. I said it. I confessed. I know, I know. Your eyebrows have risen substantially, your lips are pursed and you've unconsciously cocked your head to the side. You're thinking, "God, really? Plastic surgery? You mean, cause you want it? Rhinoplasty? Sacks of saline in the chestal area? A butt lift?"

No. Not for me. Not ever. Not electively. I think it's creepy and gross and invasive and rampant and bizarre. And I really hadn't thought much about it until I was perusing another guilty pleasure last night, the Queeny gossip website PerezHilton.com, who occasionally posts links to other websites (I guess as a favor). There was one about plastic surgery, and it made me curious, but I'd surfed away from his site before clicking it, so I typed "Celebrity Plastic Surgery" into Google and found a "Bad Plastic Surgery" site. The site wasn't bad (well, it wasn't great, either), but the surgeries were.



And there I stayed, agog and idiotly fascinated for....a while. Now, what I don't get is why Christina Aguilera ever thought her perfectly decent and naturally-proportion Real Boobs were insufficient. Why do women buy into that? I guess it's all part of the biz, but that tiny, skinny chick pumped 'em right up. Why did Jennifer Aniston want a nose job? I like uniqueness in people. WASP-y button noses aren't all they're cranked up to be; I have one, courtesy of my dad, and it runs and gets clogged and needs the hairs plucked out of it like everyone else's. In the end, it's still just a nose.



And the lips! The lips were most fascinating of all! There is a tragic Drag Queen (is there any other kind, really?) called "Bree" although, actually, I think she might be transgendered, who has gone collagen-mad, and the outcome is horrid. She looks like she had a major allergic reaction to a plate of shrimp scampi. They're huge. They look like those fake wax lips I used to buy as a kid around Halloween. And then there's Meg Ryan, who's looking....not so cute anymore (why do white chicks with thin lips think fat lips will improve their looks? Fat lips are just fat lips. Are they hoping some adventurous lover will chew on their mouths while they're meshing? Is that the deal?). When lips are so fat they can't even close, I think it's kind of a problem. Clay Aiken? Really not a looker to begin with (I'm personally not a fan of redhaired men), and now he's even scarier with collagen lips and bonded teeth. NOT an improvement. Eww.



And what can be said about poor, misguided Mickey Rourke? So many face lifts, his ears are practically meeting at the nape of his neck. Gads. And then there's the increasingly evil-looking Katie Couric who has obviously moved on well past the "America's Little Sister" moniker; her forehead and browline are all botoxed-out, and she looks mad. In fact, she looks like she has permanent "Smelling Shit" face. Or really bad cramps.



Of course, there's that famous Manhattanite who has had so many surgeries, she's a strange, cat-like, implanted, pulled, pinched, puffy & tucked alien-looking thing at this point. And, much like an accident along the highway that compels you to stare and rubberneck, I couldn't look away.

Some of the others, we're already all too familiar with: Liz, Liza, Michael, Janet....

And then, of course, there's Courtney Love. And really, what more can be said? Except maybe, oy vey.